[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
You Might Also Like
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”