“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
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My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.
Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.