[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
Me: Exactly.

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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby


My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.


I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.


Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”


My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.


CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?


professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?


Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?


AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you


If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.