[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.