If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.