If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
“What would you say is your greatest strength?”
“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”
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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Wait a second … Water parks have restrooms … For what?!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.