[Job interview]

“What would you say is your greatest strength?”

“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”


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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.


“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”


[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed


Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.