[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
don’t we all
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
dream blunt rotation
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Who.
Did.
This?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.