[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.
Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*