@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

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@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

@withanewname

Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.

@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.

@AnOrangeSNES

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

@BleakBaron

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm

@TheWidowmakerX

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

@squirrel74wkgn

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*