[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Google Pay be like:
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Well, this is awkward
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.