We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
At the library:
Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.
Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em