[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I have two kinds of followers
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
This fish is cracking me up
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia