@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

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@Contwixt

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@usermcuserface

At the library:

Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.

Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change

@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@heelyfanaccount

applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

@ParrtyCat

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em