[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

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At the library:

Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.

Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change


New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.


applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees


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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”


Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.


Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?


I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em