[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
You Might Also Like
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.