[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?