[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”

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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.


If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.


“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”


Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says “LMAO,” it stands for “let’s murder Albanians overseas” and he wants his daughter back.


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume