The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Its a hippotatomus
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures