*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Anime is real
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.