“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Planet of the Apps.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
peak technology