Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.