[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.