If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
You Might Also Like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
yeet
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Life hack
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*