[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence