[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂