[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
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My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?