I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You Might Also Like
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.
For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.