Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
i- i did not expect this
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no