@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

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@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

@Parkerlawyer

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

@daemonic3

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.

@jordan_stratton

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

@TheRobCee

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.