Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Coffee is ready.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.