@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

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@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

@marbletonemedia

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

@GinAndJif

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@asaltiercorpse

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no