JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
January has been Januweary
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.