Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.