jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Ugh
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.