@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

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@Trisarahjtops

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

@UncleDuke1969

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@Naked_Wombat

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.

@Lakeoconeebldr

This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.

@pant_leg

the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?