jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”


“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”


All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.


Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.


This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.


the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?