jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?