my nickname in college
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This checks out
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
⛄️
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.