@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

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@BunAndLeggings

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

@FU_TangClan

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

@mamapojo

I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us

@BoogTweets

Mom: Your son still won’t do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I’m not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks

@Try2StopME

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

@WilliamAder

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

@Brampersandon_

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is