The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-sober person thingy
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
There’s no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.
me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.