Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What


We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.


ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else


Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks


“Man, I did so much shit today”

*throws away diaper


I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.


If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.


I’m at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.


Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.


At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.