Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.


Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.


If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son


*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?


St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.


I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top


There’s no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.


me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*


Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.