Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?