JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
this could fix me
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.