Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

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Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.


why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs


“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*


You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.


The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.


When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.


*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.