@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

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@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

@morninggloria

why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs

@Rollinintheseat

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@TheAlexNevil

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

@thinkingparsnip

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.