Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Sooo many times…..
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked