Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…