I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.