@ClassicDadMoves

Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂

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@Kateness8

Gonna start saying โ€œthatโ€™s what they want you to believeโ€ whenever anyone disagrees with me

@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@rebrafsim

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

@theSolemnBard

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Yโ€” wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

@thenatewolf

*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-

NATE!

@MaraWritesStuff

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@stupidoldandy

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldnโ€™t place where. I asked if heโ€™d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?