@ClassicDadMoves

Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂

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@secondofhername

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

@withanewname

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.

@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@Browtweaten

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.