Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂

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Gonna start saying โ€œthatโ€™s what they want you to believeโ€ whenever anyone disagrees with me


*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…


[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?


*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!


ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Yโ€” wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.


*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-



Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.


Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??


This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldnโ€™t place where. I asked if heโ€™d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?