@ClassicDadMoves
@secondofhername
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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@secondofhername
@withanewname
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
@Eric_Bader
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.
@Average_Dad1
Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.
@KentWGraham
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
@Browtweaten
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
@squirrel74wkgn
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
@TlaxBoy05
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
@tweetsbyrocket
me: [hitting the space bar]
hot alien: hey
@TheAndrewNadeau
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.