@ClassicDadMoves
@Kateness8
Gonna start saying โthatโs what they want you to believeโ whenever anyone disagrees with me
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@Kateness8
@samfromks
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
@TheRolo
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
@cameronesposito
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
@rebrafsim
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
@theSolemnBard
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Yโ wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
@thenatewolf
*Friend is sinking in quicksand*
Get help before I drown!
*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*
Technically you’re not drow-
NATE!
@MaraWritesStuff
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
@stupidoldandy
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
@Darlainky
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldnโt place where. I asked if heโd ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?