the three genders
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Only short people can save us
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW