“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.