GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT
Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[Me as 911 Operator]
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”