@greenteam15

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

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@punmagnate

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@BillyCorben

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@AlexRogaski

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”