Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average