Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!