I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
You Might Also Like
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting