@b0dymassage

‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’

“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”

‘Well its about time, right?’

“RIGHT”

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@Daveastated

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

@Matt_the_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@daddydoubts

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

@o__0Dev

My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

@TheHyyyype

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty