Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
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[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Hard not to take this personally
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”