@aaronpaul_8

Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.

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@captainkalvis

therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

@PhilJamesson

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@OllyiConic

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

@RickC_135

You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.

@ClueHeywood

In 1999 I casually tossed out my credit card to pay for a date’s meal and it melted into the hot teppanyaki table, so yeah ladies I’m pretty smooth

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

@daemonic3

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*