Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.

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therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility


i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play


Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.


You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.


In 1999 I casually tossed out my credit card to pay for a date’s meal and it melted into the hot teppanyaki table, so yeah ladies I’m pretty smooth


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.


Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*