If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
rapatouille
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.