Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
It鈥檚 going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don鈥檛 give a shit about forecasting
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that鈥檚 what every corporate meeting I鈥檝e ever been in has felt like
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
When a couple I鈥檓 friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won鈥檛 ask to sleep on my couch.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 馃様
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don鈥檛 know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*