If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?