Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
LMAO.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.