Jogging, but with a car.

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“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”


No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.


Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.


*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?


*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*


Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.