@nickcreelman

Jogging, but with a car.

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@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@CAshmanActor

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@topherjordan

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.