Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
You Might Also Like
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]