“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.


So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.


LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?


Never ask a girl “How are you single?”



I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.


I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person


BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally


ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]