“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“A little help here, Danny?”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae