@Ameiam

Jogging has never helped my memory.

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@NewDadNotes

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

@wickedsuga

Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.

@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

@bryanmcc74

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

@gurl_sour

My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

@man_spach

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.