@Sickayduh

Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?

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@iGreenGod

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@li4mst3w4rt

friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

@handsock_butts

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account