Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?

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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.


OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.


I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.


friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*


Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am


date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind


My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account