“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?