Jogging
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The Others (2001)
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure