[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
OMG 🤣🤣
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Home #decor warning.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started