[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
“Mary had a little lamb. had.” -wolf
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
mom: ur not a vampire
[me hanging from my bunk bed]
mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls
My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”
[at my high school reunion]
Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?
“Dude that was in 1991.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.