[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast

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Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no


Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here


mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?


My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”


[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”


I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.


Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.