Oh my god
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.