John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband